Beware of Boris…

There is not much to unite David Cameron and Ed Miliband at the once-a-week opportunity to poke each other’s eyes out which masquerades as Prime Ministers Questions so take a bow Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson.

PMQs is well known as the place where questions are never answered but it set a first today by being the location where the question ”what about Boris?” was never asked.

Labour and Ed have been a good 10 points ahead of Dave and the Tories in the opinion polls ever since Chancellor George produced his disastrous Budget in March and pollsters YouGuv confirmed this lead again today. But breakfasts were spoiled in all the better parts of London this morning when the same survey revealed that the blond buffoon would transform the fortunes of all if he were to snatch the leadership of the Conservative Party away from Dave.

In one fell swoop Labour’s lead would be wiped out and, according to YouGuv, and the Tories would have a new leader thought to be “charismatic” by 56% of the population compared to the just 3% –repeat 3%–who feel the same about Ed. After a dreadful six months Dave and his pals had been hoping for a political lift or at last a distraction from the Olympics.

Ed wisely fled the country leaving George to be booed and the Prime Minister to be ignored in what turned out to be a gold medal performance by the Mayor of London. And this “Boris-bounce” was an absolute guarantee that he would get the airbrush treatment from PMQs from both sides and so he did. Instead both leaders tried, at least initially, to be nice to each other over less significant issues like the economy and unemployment but old habits die hard.

The Prime Minister often resembles a Russian samovar slowly boiling away on a gas ring whose controls, unfortunately for him, are located in the hands of others. These “others” are located on the Opposition front bench and have the power to turn up the gas at will which they proceeded to do half way through Ed’s contribution. This led to the immediate manifestation on Dave’s face of what is know in Commons-speak as “the crimson tide” which in the past has been alarming enough to put the Thames Barrier on standby.

This power over the PM so excited Ed that his index finger seemed to be on speed dial and his voice shot up an octave as he slipped from silky sarcasm to straight insults. As hysteria increased on the Tory benches it even spread to the oasis of indifference normally known as the Deputy Prime Minister who seems to have re-launched himself into the Coalition as “nodding Nick” fresh from the back window of some passing car. Whether or not this is because he is now within grappling distance of new Tory chief whip “Thrasher” Mitchell remains to be seen.

It can be further reported that Chancellor George, whose chances of replacing Dave must now be BJ-ed out of business, looked sufficiently forlorn throughout as indeed did Health Secretary Hunt bearing the ghostly pallor of someone who has finally seen his in-tray. To get an understanding of what is going on it also emerged today that the countdown clock is back on the wall at Tory Party headquarters reminding the faithful that there are only 968 days left to the General Election. And there is nothing like the threat of the dole to make Tory MPs think of their future.

As Dave finally succumbed, stony-faced, to his seat perhaps he was pondering on his past and not his future. Anyone who has read Tom Brown’s Schooldays knows the importance of having enough initials to one’s name to cover the box in which one’s goods and chattels are transported to public school.

Thus Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson was obviously in for an easier time at Eton then the more plebian David William Donald Cameron. And as for Edward Samuel Miliband…

Peter McHugh Written by:

Political satirist, media commentator, renowned journalist, Peter McHugh uses his extensive and award-winning (RTS Journalism Lifetime Achievement Award) experience as an acclaimed and applauded journalist to comment and observe on the latest current events. Satirical posts on Prime Minister Questions every week as well as other key events.