Imagine, if you can, a cod wearing a string of small snooker balls gasping for air and you have the Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland at five past twelve today.
It was meant to be Prime Ministers Questions, the weekly humiliation of Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn.
Instead it was Theresa May who found herself in the barrel he normally occupies so well.
There was no sign of what was to come as the PM made her way to her seat acknowledging the the cheers of those who hope to be promoted.
Jeremy slipped in accompanied by the usual indifference.
Somewhat subdued as well, Speaker Bercow, not surprising for someone who’d woken up with a horse’s head in his bed.
As the London rep of the Leaders of the Free World Club, Paul Dacre had taken offence at his attack on it’s American representative.
To be fair he’d taken offence when Bercow first took a breath but there is nothing like a fresh slaughtering by the Mail to make your day.
But as the Speaker’s friends on the Tory benches happily discussed further retribution little did they know it was their turn in the odure.
It all began when Jeremy asked the PM about a dodgy deal between her Government and cash-strapped Surrey Council.
Normally, as regular readers know, Theresa swats away her opponent with a selection of non-answers from her handbag. But this time, brandishing papers, Jeremy said he had proof.
That one word was enough to spark enough shouting from Tory backbenchers to stop the traffic in Whitehall.
Once described as “The Deep South” by a Tory grandee, Surrey boasts enough Tory MPs to set up a separate country.Surrey boasts enough Tory MPs to set up a separate country. Click To Tweet
So when its council leader announced a local referendum on a gob-smacking 15% rate rise to fund social care shortfalls, alarm bells rang.
They rang so loud, said Jeremy, that a secret sweetheart solution was drawn up.
And Theresa May was that sweetheart, he said.
Tom Watson, still allegedly Jeremy’s deputy, broke into a smile unseen since his election.
It almost swallowed his head as Jeremy went on to name co-conspirators.
Were not the Chancellor and the Health Secretary, the money men in the matter, not also members for the same leafy glades? he asked.
Jeremy Hunt’s face went from the bottom to the top of the colour chart in the second it took for the Labour leader to point him out.
Chancellor Hammond momentarily abandoned funereal grey and the Tory backbenches rediscovered silence.
Theresa May tried a few insults, but it was already too late.
Labour had rediscovered success.
Ironically, as PMQs began, a rumour had swept the Commons that Jeremy had said he was going to quit.
The Corbynettes had quickly denied it.
Not this lunchtime anyway. But there’s always tonight.
“Lunchtime” flickr photo by Fauxlaroid https://flickr.com/photos/fauxlaroid/6482954307 shared under a Creative Commons (BY-ND) license